hi i haven't updated in ahwile, and i want to. share more. in long form. so here are some little stream of consciousness updates hope u enjoy xx

ig dm texting twitter etc makes me crazy. blogging seems healthy, like a space for long-form thought. don delillo book i read recently mentioned that writing is the one of the only ways to think deeply about something. also kinda vintage internet nostalgia tao lin g chat which i like. somewhat more straightforward, idk.

ive been living a tiny little life here. i work as a substitute teacher, and working full time for the first time since summer 19 is miserable for me… lol. i mean i like getting out of the house every day, having tasks to complete and co-workers and people who depend on me. but i find myself enjoying my every day less and less. time is moving really fast. i honestly miss the intensity of a year ago in a little perverse way… i miss direness and the crisis. waking up every day and being sooo concerned with everything else in the world right then, except my personal life. it was very buddhist. i worried about my primary needs, lots of focus on exercise and nutrition, but no drama or frivolous people in my life. stripped down to the bare essentials. time felt like it was slower then. a month lasted an eternity. at the same time, a year is a circle, and i find myself doing things i used to do a year ago, two years ago, three years ago. it seems it’s always march and I’m always listening to cibo matto as i walk down neil avenue. maybe that feeling is also a part of living in the same city for nearly all my life.

my life rn filled with superfluous things.. i feel like i have to sift through everything to find meaning, inspiration, but its so easy to get bogged down in the every day. i have a lot of friends here… that’s crazy to type because a year ago it didn’t feel that way. since moving back to ohio, the states, whatever, i spent a lot of time alone avoiding people, because i didn’t want to feel tied down here again. i was never really trying to make friends here, but i do think I’ve opened myself up to a lot of situations and didn’t have anything specific in mind when i entered those things, so it makes sense i would come out of them with friends. friends are goodness, they help you stay take life as it comes. and maybe just what happens to you when you’re in your 20s and wander the city aimlessly for a year.

recently read libra by don delillo and i am utterly jfkpilled. makes me remember that if you really want to learn about something, you have to read a book about it. a movie or a podcast or a youtube video or a conversation won’t do. i didn’t like it at first because it was so historical and i didn’t relate to any of the characters (the most pleasurable thing about reading for me is being able to insert myself into the narrative fully and become absorbed and feel from the grounded perspective of the story). but i pushed through it, and it spoke a lot about destiny and where history and reality converge. things being written in the stars and unavoidable. anyway good book, most recent thing I’ve read which i liked a lot. i have a lot to say about jfk assassination now, but not sure if that’s boring or something you wouldn’t want to hear.

right now i am sitting on the ground in my bedroom, listening to my roommate, her bf, and their friend watch sex and the city. i was tripping out about it earlier, felt like a guest in my own home. but now I’m a little drunk, and its nice to stop typing, tune out, and listen to them chatter about the show. i like feeling not alone. I’m alone a lot, and company is a welcome feeling.